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I believe in Hope and Faith.
With true Faith, Hope will comes.
With Hope, Faith will bloossm.
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2:30 AM
You came again,
Trying to mess up my life,
When things are starting to look rosy again for me.
However, I feel a need to tell you:
Give up already!!
You will never succeed again like in the past.
I've grown smarter and stronger.
And ironically,
It was you who gave me the opportunity,
to allow me to dig deep to the new-found wisdom and strength
That resides within myself.
You gave me challenges and pressure that I've never experience before,
And I came out of this epsoide in my life,
Battled and hurt.
But I survived through it.
The scars reminds me the need for me to grow stronger;
The vivid images you left in my mind reminds me the need to stay vigilance at all time.
And for that,
I thank you.
You taught me things that I would have not learnt in any other manner.
I'm a better man because you opened my mind to a whole new world,
That I thought never exist.
You shown me what is reality,
And exposed my naivity.
I've learnt to take things in my strides
While I try to stay alive
In the jungle that you threw me in.
Deep inside my mind,
I knew you will appear again into my life.
I'm prepared and I can ensure you,
I'll be victorious this time round.
Equipped with a stronger body, wiser mind and more importantly,
A new faith in life,
I'm ready to tackle new and bigger obstacale,
much less a old foe like you.
So my advice to you:
Leave me alone,
And don't trouble yourself to go into a path where defeat is imminent.
But should you stubornly and ignorantly ignoring my advice,
Don't blame me if the person that is gonna be battled and hurt,
Is you.
11:07 AM
A few people have already asked me how I felt about acting as Mr Ikeda, our greater mentor in life. So I thought I will make use of this entry to share my experience about this whole event, right from the start to the post-SD anniversay feeling.
It all started when I came to know that Hui Hsien was involved in one of the SD anniversary cultural events. I was thinking that maybe its a good idea that I can involved myself in a cultural event that is so significant with a Phinz member. So, I was suggesting to Julius, before he flies off to Shanghai of course, that I may be interested to be involved in the performance. However, there are two things which I didn't know in the first place - one, I didn't know its a skit. Secondly, never in my dreams did I expect to be acting as Sensei!! To be honest, if I known that beforehand, I might not have agreed to perform in the skit. I've never acted before in my entire life and to think that the very first role that I'm attempting is the great man Sensei himself is really mind-boggling!! More shock was to come as I went through the script. When Siyin first explained to me that my role was not classified as an main cast (that honour goes to BK, Ben, Hui Hsien and Jilian... Haha!! almost the whole Phinz is involved except Peiyih and Red), I was slightly relief. However, as I went throught the script, my lines definitely feel longer than others!! My first thought was : "Hell!! How on earth am I going to memories these lines in such a short period of time, never mind acting it out?" I first received the script on Monday. So bascially, we have only four more days to prepare before the actual show starts. I was like: "Gosh!! We must really admire our courage to actually dare to do this skit in such a tight timing!" Anyway, foolhardy or otherwise, we went ahead with the help of a lot of chanting.
Our next practice was at the full dress rehearsal at ICA on Thursday. It was close to a nightmare. Almost everyone was unable to memorise their line. I was even worse. Although I've memorised my line by then, for the very first time, I was actually experiencing stage fright and everything that I've memorise for the past few days just seems to slip away from my mind. My acting seems too relaxed, my posture wasn't right, my voice wasn't firm enough... Feel like a complete idiot!! It was made worse when I saw the impressive performance by NUSSD who have the same script as us. By then, I can truly feel the pressure and also the huge challenge that is ahead of me. On my trip back home from ICA, I begin to tell myself I must put in more effort and not to disappoint the rest of the members in the skit who have also put in a lot effort in it. On the train trip back home, I was memorising my lines aloud, ignoring some of the strange stares that came my way. When I was back home, I was still memorising aloud while showering. Before I go to bed, I memorise it one more time before slept. This routine continues on Friday. Basically, as long as I'm free, I will start memorising my lines...
Yesterday was THE day. Was feeling confident that I've truly done my uptmost to ensure that everything gonna be smooth running. However, this confidence was going to take a beating very soon. When we went for the run-through, I once again forget my lines. I was feeling extremely stress and dejected by then. I was telling myself: "What's wrong with me?? Why can't I produce the same lines that I memorised with such ease during the past few days once I'm on stage??" However, a series of incidents then suddenly change my mindset...
Incident 1) Yuika became the latest actress in our skit, on SD anniversay itself!! I was so impressed that she was able to memorise her line within such a short period of time!! I feel so ashamed of myself. I was telling myself:"If Yuika can do, why can't I do it too?"
Incident 2) Yaqin was suffering from a stomach attack on that day. However, for the sake of the skit, she overcome the pain barrier and continue with the performance. Her determination really inspires me a lot.
Incident 3) The mini dialouge that I had with Wan Xiang after the run-through. I was relating to him how stress that I feel and the weight I feel on my shoulder acting as Sensei. Wan Xiang's reply was simple yet encouraging - "Remember, you are not just acting it for yourself. Your role is to bring joy and inspire all the audiences and new friends who are here today." Then I came to realise something. Throughout the whole week, I wasn't enjoying myself. I wasn't putting any joy into the responsibility that I had on hand. I became too self-centred, only thinking about how to get over it. I immediately realised that I must change my mindset.
Incident 4) The strong and powerful chanting session that the skit team had before the show. It really calms me down and I feel a surge of power within myself. Suddenly, everything seems easier. The actual prove is the last run-through that we had before our dinner. For the very first time in all our practices, I finally managed to memorise all my lines!! You can never imagine the sense of relief I felt at that point in time. I feel more confident and I truly begin to believe that the show will be a success.
When the actual performance starts, the nervous feeling starts to swell up to my throat again. Seconds before my appearance on stage, I did what I was told ever so often, chant three times!! When I walked onto the stage, with the stage light all on me, the nervousness still hasn't truly left my body. However, once the laughter that was directed on my protrayed of Sensei filled the hall, I knew immediately that I had achieved the most important thing that this night was meant to be - to bring joy into people's lives. I began to relaxed and feel for my role. I was Sensei there and then. I can feel the greatness and compassion of our mentor as I read out my lines and hopefully, each and everyone that were watching can also feel it too. I realised there and then that, having this precious opportunity to act as Sensei was not a disaster at all. It was actully my greatest fortune and blessing.
As the show ended, almost everyone I met was either calling me "Sensei" or "Mr Ikeda"!! Even people who I did not know was calling me out and congratulating me for a show well done. The common comment was: "You really look like Sensei!!" (Am I?? I'm still questioning myself on that...)
However, there's something that I really want to share with everyone... Although I'm the one who walk onto the stage as Sensei, I'm not the only who make this role alive. The encouragement that I've gotten from everyone that were involved in the skit help me mould the role of Sensei. When I was discouraged and down, they are the who keep telling me that I've done a good job and that I will be able to break through this challenge. They are the one who pointed out my mistakes, giving me advices on how to protray Sensei better. Thus, it wasn't me who acted as Sensei. It was each and everyone that was involved in the skit that sucessfully protray our great mentor. Thank you Siyin, Huiqi, Suresh, Geraldine, Ben, Jilian, BK, Hui Hsien, Bin Bin, Geneva, Yuika, Yaqin, Jia Whei and Jilian's JC classmate (so sorry that I've forgotten your name!!) for being so encouraging and also helping me face the challenge. I may have become the unwilling attention of the show, but to me, all of you are the true stars of the whole show!!
3:15 PM
Lately, I'm in a strange state of life-condition. I'm neither happy nor sad. I'm neither calm nor fustrated. I'm neither stress nor relaxed. I'm alive, yet I don't feel alive. Something is very wrong with me these days. For a self-admittedly emotional person, its a rarity that I feel practically no emotions at all. Wonder if I'm sick or something... Is it the lack of sleep? Or have I finally burnt out ? Somehow, somewhere, I think I lose something precious from deep within my heart. What is it, I'm not too sure. Do you know what is it? If you do, please advice me so that I can start finding it back... Lost and Lost, and never be found... Who knows? Maybe that's a better arrangement than what we choose to believe. Which is worse? Lost and Lost, and never be found, or Lost and Found, but never the same again?
Cruising down the river.
I saw the twinkling stars.
I heard the crickets sang.
I breathed the cool night air.
I tasted the salty wind.
But I can no longer feel,
the beauty of it all.
'Cause my heart have been washed away,
Together with the flowing river.
2:19 AM
Yesterday spent one of my most enjoyable Valentine's Day for years. Although it isn't with the girl the I love, but I think its the next best alternative...
Went out with Germaine as promised. She look fabulous in her purple gown!! She seldom failed to attract attention whenever she decide to dress up and yesterday was one of those days. Its really amazing that she still remains unattached since her last relationship... But I guess she has the quality to be picky...
We didn't start off the night very well as the Japanese restaurant, called the SUN Japanese Dining located at CHIJMES, that we intended to go was fully booked and occupied. So we went to the Liberte instead. Turned out to be a quite a good place. The atmosphere wasn't bad, with the typical Valentine's setting of candle-lights and open space to gaze at the stars. The music was pretty weird though, as the theme of the day seems to be Indian dance. We were well entertained by this beautiful dancer as she belly-danced her way to the beat of the drums. Fortunately for me, I get to gaze at her without the fear that my girlfriend will hit me on the head!! Germaine and I was really impressed by the dancer's stamina as she danced throughout the night, only stopping to change into a new outfits.
The food served was good, although the appertizers was of mind-boggling small portions!! I've counted six calamaries and four prawn tempauras for two appertizer ordered!! Haha!! The lamb chops, (which is part of the mixed grilled that I've ordered) however, was of the best I've tried. Tender and juicy, cooked to perfection - the way that I like it. Even Germaine, who doesn't really like lamb, was impressed by it after I encouraged her to try a small bite.
It was a memorable night. Good food, romantic settings, smooth wines, comfortable chit-chatting; it can only be better if we were with our Fated One instead of each other. But its probably more enjoyable because of this... I've noticed that those true couples seated around us were all so quiet and serious, unlike Germaine and I or some of the tables with groups of friends, where we were always laughing and joking around (although not to the extent of making us look like a pair of clowns!!). I wonder if Valentine's Day had become a hassle to these lovers as they look too tired and serious instead of relaxing and fully immersing themselves in the joy that this special day brings. They looked as if celeberating Valentine's Day has become a obligation instead of a choice... Luckily for me and Germaine, we're celebrating the day more as a Friendship Day than anything else!! Haha!!
Thank you Germaine, for the wonderful night and adorable Valentine's gift. Remarkably, in two years of friendships, we had shared two Valentine's together out of the three. As much as I enjoyed your company, I sincerely hope that it won't become a trend!! I will be much happier for you when the next Valentine's Day comes, you'll be celebrating it with your Prince Charming!! Haha!! Till then, I'll be your Valentine's kakis for as long as........ I'm single!! :0)
As I went back home later that night, I saw a couple of students still trying hard to sell their roses off. As I walked past them, a crazy thought suddenly flashed across my mind. I went back to the where the students were and promptly bought 3 big and beautiful roses from them. Went I reached home, I secretly passed the roses to Dad and signalled him to give it to Mum. The surprised expression on Mum's face was priceless!! Kinda think of it, although I have sent many thoughtful and also hand-made presents in the past for Mum, I believed its the first time that she received flowers from anyone in the family, at least from the time when Dad and Mum married. Valentine's Day is a celebration of love - and who says it only meant for lovers? Love is everywhere in our life. As long as you appreciate it, you will be able to feel it...
12:37 AM
Went out with Germaine today. Supposedly to catch a movie, but we instead spent a lot of time talking and shopping along Orchard and finally ended up a Holland Village for more shopping at F.O.S and then dinner at Coffee Club. It's being a while since I last went out with her. Was rather surprise that she suddenly initated the outing. But I didn't regret one bit going out with her and I really enjoyed her company. It feels a bit like the good ole' time we had. Going out and talking with her today make me realised that she had grown a lot as a person. She used to be very tense up and often got upset over work. Although she still put a lot of her mind and soul into work, she had learnt how to be more relaxed at work and more capable tohandle work-related problem with greater poise and ease. (Even though she still complains that she is not up to the task...) She had definitely grown stronger and I'm most happy for her. I can still remembered the countless times in the past when she will call me late at night to pour her heart out to me about how fustrated she is with her job and other personal issues she have to handle. It was a dark period for her. Seeing her now being so much happier, despite all the challenges she still have to face, makes me feel so relief for her. Hope that she will be able continue to build on from here in her personal human revolution!!
Today's outing also marks the 3rd anniversay of our friendship, abeit a belated one!! Can hardly believe that 3 years has past by us so fast. During dinner, we were recalling the past memories we share and also laugh at the way we met and befriend each other in the most unusual circumstances. We both agreed that fate has brought us together and because of that, we should treasure this relationship that we have now. She has asked me out on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be able make it if there's no OT on that day... It will be nice to go out and do some more catching up of our lives for the past years.
2:11 AM
Went to Leona's house yesterday for dinner, together with Yichao. A simple fare of home-made fried noodle, the way I liked it at the moment. With me eating out almost everyday for every single meals, this kind of home-made food is what I'm craving for. Leona's mum is really nice and friendly. I shared a little dialouge with her as she shared with me her experiences in SSA activities. The most interesting part is when she shared with me on how she had on several occassion carried the infant Leona to kaidan chant and pray to the Gohonzon that Baby Leona would be nice and quiet so she can carried her activites with SSA. Haha!! It sure is heart-warming and inspiring to hear the seniors recalled and sharing these wonderful memories and experiences that had with us...
Although its not the first time that I met Yichao, however as we had only seen each other faces during the one meeting at YGM '05, yesterday was the first time I got to know him better as a person. Thought that he have changed quite a bit since YGM. Looked different. Haha!! During chatting, I found him to be quite a nice guy. Need to polish his attitude to be more positive towards life challenges though... Haha!! But all in all, a really friendly and decent chap. Sis, you have my blessing!! :)
After hanging around at Leona's room, chatting and taking photos, we went to Swensen at Compass Point near her house. Never really being to Compass Point. Feels a bit like Causeway Point to me... Anyway, at Swensen, as its already quite late, they only served dessert and so we ordered 2 servings of Vanilla Ice-XXX... Haha!! Can't remember the name liao... Getting old and senile liao... Haiz... Yichao and Leona shared one serving, and that poor chap have to finish up the yucky part of the ice-cream that Leona doesn't like... Haha!! (Kinda think of it, he may have felt bliss than poor... lol). So envious of this two lovebirds!! Haha!! I feel so happy for my Sis to find someone to love her and take good care of her. I still remember a few months back when she was complaining to me how love is troublesome or how a close friend broke the "remain single" pact with her... Bleah!! Bet a million with you she won't be saying the same things now!! Wish that this is a start of a fruitful and beautiful relationship. Btw, Yichao, in case you do read my blog, if you let me know that you let Leona down someday, be sure that I'll be the first one to go looking for you and knock the teeth off your face. But at the moment, I think you are great for her. So work hard to make sure this relationship is a success. Jia You!!
Now that I've seen Leona and Yichao, I have more or less seen all the people that I wish to see during this CNY period. After tomorrow outing with Germaine, it will be the end of my CNY friends-meeting plan. A long, long road is ahead of me for the rest of the year. Hopefully I have feed myself with enough energy during this CNY period to power myself forward for the rest of the year...
A small note: When I went back to home from Leona's, chance meet Qiu Leong, for a 2nd straight night, with Susan while on the train. Haha!! Hardly met each other for one whole year yet keep bumping to each other suddenly... So funny, the way fate works...
2:39 PM
A friend of mine ask me this question: "What are some of the wishes you really want but knew for sure that it will never be fulfil?" My first reaction was - What a ridiculous question?!?! But, as I was in a very kooky mood, I actually gave it a good thought and after a while, these are the following answer I gave....
1) To have a elder brother or sister.
It will be nice for a change that I'm the one on the receiving end of love and concern instead of the one always giving and worrying... How comforting to know that there is always your Gor Gor or Jie Jie when you have a problem instead of trying to solve things all on your own...
2) To tell grandpa one more time how much I love him...
He is gone for many a years... But I still think of him every now and then. He is a strong man with a gentle heart. And if I'm able to become a man just like he was, I would have been blessed.
3) To erased that painful memory six years ago...
Dumb to fall for a girl who doesn't deserved my love. Stupid enough to believe everything she said. Moronic enough for her to manipulate my every move. Deservingly suffered all the shocks and pains for being a dumb, stupid and moronic idiot who should have known better...
4) To go back in time...
And taunt Hitler that he look damn stupid with his moustache, before taking the initaitive and shaved that ugly crop of facial hair off his face with a Mach-3 Turbo!!
5) To live in the era of the Three Kingdom...
And see for myself if the warriors in those were really that brave and ridculously strong...
6) To live in a cartoon world...
So that I can be knock down by a train and still survive and laugh about it...
As you can see, its getting more and more crazy towards the end...
So what are your never-be-fulfiled wishes? Share with me, if you are kooky enough!!
2:45 AM
Yup, the month of Feb is turning out to be a depressing (well, maybe too strong a word, but too lazy to think of a better adjective to use) month for me... A handful of my friends will be leaving me this month, abeit most are for a tempoaray moment. Red and SJ has already gone for Bejing for their GIPs, Julius will be leaving for his GIP to Shanghai tomorrow while Mursh is also flying off tomorrow to further her studies in Australia. Very soon, Steph will be following her footsteps (they are gonna be rommie anyway...) very soon. All these friends will be away by my side from 6 months to 2 years... But there is still one more. Ron will be going back to Aust for good after coming back to Singapore for his summer hoildays. I can heard from his voice that he's dead serious about not coming back to Singapore anymore. Although the sadness still remains the same as it was 2 years ago when he first left, the difference his I'm now more able to understand his stance and respect fully his decision. Gonna miss him the most, not just because he will be gone for good but also I will lose a great friend who I can share and relate anything to. He had shown and taught me a great deal about not giving up on one's dreams and ambition and also to learn how to love oneself more. Through him, I get to witness the power of sheer determination and also the the way to treasure true friendships. He was the one who guided me to the unversity that I now studied in when I was at a lose and not knowing where to go and what to do. He was the one giving me tons of advices of various issues in my topsy-turvy life even though he was far away at Australia... He was always there for me and I admit, there are times I took that for granted. For that, I'm feel deeply remorseful... Sorry Ron, if I was in anyway seems to be elusive. I would like you to know that the friendship we shared is something I won't exchange anything for, and I sincerely meant every single word that I said...
With so many friends leaving me, I feel kinda empty. I can only know chant for their well-being and that we will be able to meet up very soon... Gonna miss every single one of you 'cause all of you have left a imprint in my heart and made my life so much more beautiful and colourful. Thank you and see you guys soon again!!
P.S. Yeah!! My exams are over today!! Time to unwind (just a tiny bit) before heading back to work again...
4:20 PM
Many thanks to Siew Kheng for approving my leave today and on Monday to let me concentrate fully for my exams. Although I seriously doubt you will ever see this, I still like to say you have been a understanding boss and that is something I need at this juncture in life where I'm juggling studies with work.
I know today is Chingay Performance and I would have I loved to be there to support each and every performers. However due to my own committment, I won't be able to there. I will instead chant for the great success of Chingay. Friends who will be there, please do send me photo of the Chingay. Thanks!!
9:03 PM
Originally intended to write about what happened during the SD house-hopping on Monday and the "supper" at NTU Hall 16 today(Tuesday). But somehow, as I recalled, beside playing Murderer throughout these two days and that there are some "born" killers among us, there really nothing much to write... Haha!! So instead, I decided to write about certain things that struck me during these two days.
1) There are a few dear friends in SD whom I didn't managed to see during these CNY period. Wendy-J, Jilian, Jane, Jonathan (Haha!! The Js are missing!!) and Leona are a few names that comes to my mind and they are sorely missed, at least they are to me.
2) After watching the Friday Rendevous video at Gerald's place, I realised that the only regret I had for the entire year of 2005 was not being there with the Phinz in our maiden performance then. Its an issue that bugs me even to this day and it brings a weird sense of emptiness in my heart. Somehow, I had a strange (but hopefully inaccurate) feeling that I may have missed something that will never happen again in the future...
3) Julius and Red had always been the one giving me information about up-coming events in SD. Even then, there are still some information which will somehow eludes me. Now with their impending leaving soon, I fear for the worse when no one will ever keep me update about the on-going events at SD level. I sincerely hope that the remaining Phinz and close friends will still remember to keep me updated. You guys can always leave me a messages on my tag-board to keep me informed.
4) There is still one more thing I failed to accomplish during this CNY period which I was hoping to achieve... But I won't give up so easily!! :)
5) I'm getting older... Or shall I said I'm reminded that I should no longer be young and carefree. In between SD house-hopping, me and my secondary school classmates gathered visited our dear teacher Mr Chia. It was during that gathering that I realised one of us is getting married soon and there are also another 2 couples who are planning to do so in 2 years times. Gosh, all my same-aged friends are getting married moving towards a new challenge in life while I'm still fooling around!!
Okay!! Enough of boring stories about myself. I know some of you simply don't give a damn about what is going with my life and would have probably switch off by now... So let me give you what some of you are really waiting for... pic....
However the star of the day was none of those in the picture but rather Geneva's pet dog, Happy!! No wonder its the year of the Dog...
Another group photo taken at Dave's house. This is also the location that started the Murder game craze...
At Gerald's house. Many thanks to Gerald's mum who prepared dinner for all of us and also his Dad for driving some of us back home.
At Hall 16!! A supper outing that somehow didn't turn out to be what I expected it to be...
End of blogging session!! Won't be blogging for a few days I guess since I had to go full swing in preparing my exam on the 7th!! Chanting for wisdom in the upcoming exam and also the courage to face the challenges I set myself in the coming weeks!!
4:18 AM
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